Only She Remains
(Song: A Great Big World, Say Something)
I waited for him – but he didn’t show.
Late again. Another excuse. He’s so creative with them too and in my desire for love, I pretend to believe him.
As fall changed to winter and winter to spring and summer and fall again I began to die.
Is she pretty?
Does she make him laugh?
Is she passionate and full of life?
Does he feel like the him that left me years ago when he’s in her arms?
Questions eat at the recess of my heart.
Doubt about my worth spreading through my veins and I cannot fathom a world where he does not find me precious.
Where it is not my beauty and comfort that he seeks.
And yet, my universe is painted by those colors now. Once blue and green and red, now grey and brown and black.
I look up and stare into the eyes of a stunning woman. Her beauty the kind that makes you gasp because of its depth.
She is real and her eyes show compassion and intellect and fiery desire. She is breathtaking.
Her hair is light brown and soft. I want to reach out and touch it, but I’m afraid of her reaction, for she no longer knows me.
Her skin is tan and laugh lines barely peek around this edge of her full lips and orange colored eyes.
Maybe in another life we would’ve been friends. Maybe we already were.
I whisper to her, “Say something, I’m giving up on you.”
She shrugs and stares at me. I remind her that I would have followed her anywhere.
A tear drips down her face and her pink lips open as she takes a shaky breath.
My own heart shutters at the pain I feel radiating off of her. Tragedy lives in the walls of her chest and it’s palatable.
Her voice is soft, soothing, warm-yet cold….
“I hate you,” she whispers.
I feel a tear slip down my cheek. To be hated by this incredible being is heartbreaking. What could I have done?
“If you were better, stronger, sexier, smarter….” her voice cracks and she sobs.
I sob too, my heart breaking as my soul screams at her pain.
I want to be better.
I want to be worthy of her love, but she runs from me. She….. she’s leaving me too.
I cannot imagine a world without him and her.
Nothing would remain of me.
“I’m so sorry I can’t be more,” I whisper back and her eyes jump up to meet mine, hatred spewing from the warmth that is gone.
She laughs, but it’s a horrible sound. The vibrations reach out and bury its claws in my chest, retribution causing my blood to spill.
“Don’t be sorry. Just do us both a favor and die in front of my eyes. Give me a chance to become the monster he and you have made me to be.” She mocks me and I feel like shriving up and wasting into nothingness.
I never meant to hurt her. I love her more than he ever could. She is my everything and at one time we stood against the world together, never to fall, never to cause harm, but then he showed up and stole her heart from me and she changed in her love for him and I was lost for a time.
“He’s not worth it. Just come back to me. This isn’t your fault.” I try to reason with her. Surely she understands that she is the victim here.
Another laugh and blood pours from my wounds.
“No, you’re right. It’s not my fault he’s with her. It’s yours.” She bows her head and I watch as my own tears drip onto my chest.
Numbness stretching out and rushing along the path of my senses.
My life changes from black, brown and grey to white as the remaining color is stripped away, and I cannot even fathom how to reach out for help.
He has stolen her heart, her soul, her desire, her life…. and she will forever hate me because of it. And I will forever hate him.
She reaches up to fix her hair and I wipe her tears away for her.
She flinched at the softness in my touch, a growl deep in her chest.
I coughed on my lifeblood, my death inevitable now – she’s letting me go.
“What will you do? Please just don’t do this. I love you so much. Let me heal where he has hurt you.” I try to spit out the words, but my death mutates the sound and she starts to leave, only turning one last time to address me.
“I loved him, and he sold my life for a moment of passion in someone else’s arms. And when he asks me why I have another man in my life and he is no longer what keeps me warm at night… I’ll tell him, ‘You let him in’.”
She smiles and leans close and I breathed my last breath.
She turns from the mirror in our bathroom – a new creature – and whatever good remained in her died with me, deep in the recess of her heart where I once lived.
I am her and she is me – but only she remains thanks to you.