Living a Life Worth it.
(Song: OneRepublic – Counting Stars)
I made it to the top of the mountain – the peak, and I closed my eyes, filling up my lungs with the clean fresh air. I had decisions to make and my heart palpated as I walked close to the edge of the cliff I’d just climbed.
I pulled off my shoes and socks, my shirt and shorts – wanting to feel the wind on my skin – I was alone – free to be me.
Lately I’d been losing sleep, dreaming about the things that we could be.
I felt like a lion and a lamb, quiet and reserved, vicious and loud. I chuckled under my breath. He thought he’d broken me, that he’d won, but the irony was spent on him. He’d never know, and that was okay. Reserved victory is still victory.
The sharpness of the rocks beneath my feet should be painful, but I am numb to the demands of my flesh. My heart is soaring and breaking in conjunction. I make it to the edge of the cliff and turn ninety degrees, and I began to walk on the very edge of the mountain. Hope used to be my four letter word.
To my left is the grassy top of the formation, welcoming, warm, inviting – safe. To my right is the jagged cliff and it’s promise of sweet release. It’s whispers talk of carnal pleasures, explosive joy… danger. I shiver at the thought of falling into it’s delicious trap one minutes and laugh deep in my chest the next. I feel something so wrong doing the right thing. I could lie, but the truth was that everything that kills me makes me feel alive in that moment.
My right foot dips to skim the outside of the cliff, cutting my foot. The color infiltrating my senses. I stop and back up from the cliff, clinging to the only reality I know – the safe one.
But love and mystery and rebellion scream at me to come and not walk along the edge but to jump, jump into the unknown and take life for the ride it was intended to be. The two parts of my soul fight for dominion; safe or free? Which life will I chose?
I see his face, I hear his voice, I feel his touch. The warmth of his breath rushing to surround my nakedness and I release myself to him. He is what I know. He’s what’s safe. And then she awakens and I growl in my chest, waking up to the alarming reality of the situation. He wasn’t what he appeared to be – oh he was so good – almost good enough to forget his transgressions, but no… no, he’s not a risk worth taking.
But drowning in the dance floor, letting my soul dance to the music, sweating with a million others, finding a new lover, starting a movement, being a rebel and daring fate to press against me – those are risks worth taking. There will be hundreds of men in my life, but only one me, only one time to take this risk.
I smile, content and pull myself up, flinging my arms wide, loving the way I feel, the way I look… Beautiful and unashamed of who I’ve been and who I plan to be. I don’t walk, but run to the edge of life and I fling myself off the ledge and dive into a world of possibilities.
I will be the love of someone’s life. I will sing and dance and create with the light and dark passions in my heart. I will share my soul and my wealth with those that are in need and I will dance naked and unashamed in the rain as it washes me clean.
That’s a risk worth taking. To live a life unbound. To endlessly count the stars and never apologize for looking up.
That’s the choice I make – what about you?
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